I just constantly feel as if I'm carrying the weight of the world. I hide it from everyone but I'm under so much pressure and I'm so overwhelmed and so stressed I can't focus. I dont know what to do anymore and losing all hope. :'( . The depression is kicking back in, and I think its gonna hit stronger than ever. I'm trying to force myself to avoid what I know will come next. I hate feeling like this and I don't know how to fix it. My mind is running out of energy. It sucks life out of other parts of my body and leaves them lifeless. I feel drained all the time. I feel sick all the time. Sometimes I think I'm just dying from the inside that eventually it will show up physically. At this point I dont think anyone can help me.  Each day that goes by I'm cutting my life in half. I sometimes don't believe I'm going to make it to my thirties. I don't understand what my purpose for being here is, I don't know what I'm living for, I don't have anything that I'm fighting for, I just don't know. My head is always confused nothing ever makes sense and it's seriously taking an extreme toll on me. Physically, mentally, emotionally I'm drained. I constantly think back and I wonder after everything thats happened I just keep thinking ok I've been through I keep saying o.k. what else can possibly go wrong. And it never seizes to amaze me that something else will go wrong. I think I've been through almost anything that can go wrong date rape, molested, sexual harassment, alcohol poisoning, lived w.o power, barely had food, been told to die, slit my wrist, popped one too many pills, abused, dropped out of school, umm thats all i can think of alot of those are recurring in a variety of ways. I'm on edge and I'm a centimeter away from falling.

I wish there was someone out there that will actually listen. I feel like everything i say or write is going towards a lost soul. I know everyone has there own lives to live but I feel like I'm always making room for people in mine but no one seems to care about me. Everything is like a joke. Nothing is funny. I don't understand why people laugh when I say things and expect me to laugh all the time. Nothing is funny to me. And I know it looks like everything is jumping from one thing to another its cause it is. I cant focus my thoughts or anything. I'm losing my sanity, whats left of my dignity, and my shred of self a esteem. scratch that self esteem, dignity, maybe sum sanity left. I know alot is on zero. I just want to be semi happy to smile and actually have a reason to smile.......sheesh im done even though this was short.

I'm starting to get back in the groove of writing again. I just get these sudden urges to spill my mind out and it usually happens when I'm listening to slow music. It just gives me that calming affect. I get lost and my mind just wanders on its own for awhile. Then I snap back. Idk its not necessarily the lyrics in songs that make me feel this way its usually the beat. Idk I'm loving this feeling.

Dear heart,


I have noticed there's an ongoing battle between us and I just wanted to address it.I realize that in the past I've put you in danger one to many times. Even at times when I thought you were the safest you still managed to get hurt. But you've proven to be extremely strong. When you get bruised you heal yourself and come back stronger than ever. When you were broken you fixed it,not completely though.But that has made you more alert. Knowing that your vunerable you keep on your toes remembering not to get to close. I know you pretend to be fine but I feel at times when you ache and I can't help but to cry. I sob for the pain I've put you through and I sob for way you remain so strong. Even when the weight of the world is on top of you. I admire you and I respect you. I just wish that I could always protect you. I've tried to save you before things got too bad, but you have a mind of your own.ironic enough. And I always feel horrible because I'm the one that puts you up to the ideas at first. I just want to make amends so in the future we can be a little closer and hopefully we can both make decisions on what actions to take. We'll thats it I hope you get better soon and don't be shy to write. I know you have alot to say and its not good to keep so many things locked away. Anyway I'll talk to you later.

Love always,
The Mind

P.S.Just know this no matter what we go through I'm always on your side.Even if you don't know.

i feel likei got a disease of my mind. everytime i get left alone with my thoughts.it changes everything to make everything bad.its slowly killing.puttin me in an extremely fragile state of mind. i cant take anythin.everythin hurts me.ill cry over the littlest things.my mind takes things to the extreme even if it may be innocent. then it brings up reoccurin memories.which causes me to cry.i hate it but i cant control it.i think mind is so use to be unhappy that any change in that it brings me back or im just afraid to be happy that ill think of ne excuse to be sad.i guess since im not use to it and i expect the worst it just makes me that way.and alot of the time i cant explain why im said so if sum1 ask wats wrong with me i feel stupid cuz i dont even know. i honestly dont know wat to do at this point.i talked to a therapist but i honestly dont think that it would help. a part of mind has taken over everythin is drivin me into a swirling pool of misery. i also wish ppl would just be honest with me...its seriously all i ask of..and im startin to think thats too much

now more than ever im realizing how fed up im getting with people. like my mood will drastically change from content to depress in a matter of mins. as my self esteem and self worth diminish. my pity towards my self increases that i allow people to treat me however they feel. ive gotten so tired of believing that people are all good in one way or another. but its become quite clear that everyone just looks out for themselves and their best interest. i think its time i started doing the same. and as much as i try my attitude wont allow me. im too nice.always puttin others ahead of me. and looking out for everyone else besides myself first. im the last person other ppl think about and im the last person i think about. im the last on everyones list and it sucks. it just proves that im still not happy with myself. i mean yes everythin visible to the average eye seems intact but deep down im still depressed.and i get alot of mood swings unfortunately. i just really wish i could change. but its more and more difficult the further along i go.i just gotta learn how to say no.and mean it.

when is the time to give up.i continue to believe that everyone has good in them and that some people are looking out for your best interest. but once again ive been shown that i cant trust anyone.its sad cuz im naive but not in the sense that i believe everythin its that i wanna believe that sum ppl are not really that bad but even the best seem to be the worst. and its suck even more cuz i havent even done nethin. its w.e i cant control wat ppl say i guess. i just gotta focus on me and school. idk if they think im dumb along with bein naive but im smarter than i look.geez ppl are so dumb.

for awhile now ive been feeling strange kinda like cryin but not necessarily cuz im sad but becuase i feel like im losin myself and ppl that i thought were near and dear to me. today i seen an old friend and bein there i realized i didnt like him at all like i use to or thought i did. i felt bad cuz hes never done anything bad but in retrospect hes never done nethin good for me. i guess i just stuck around cuz he actually paid attention to me. but im on this path of self discovery and gainin self respect for myself. realizin that i deserve better than what ive been getting. i think im findin happiness so its kinda a cool feelin

my lifes back on track and i feel like rabblin since i havent in forever and my mind is gettin cluttered and i cant think or focus and i have the massive writers block.i guess since im so used too writin about bad stuff that when it comes to good stuff i cant really think of nethin i think its weird but its a good kinda weird....my mind isnt full of depressions and black holes and failures.yes i still may doubt myself..and my self esteem may not be at the hightest point but im workin my way up to that....eventually ill get there....i still feel somewhat lonely idk...its like every1 one around me has sum special and im stuck with losers....i guess im finally realizin my self worth and that i do deserve better then wat ive been givin me.....this is finally my epiphany that ive been waitin for...im happy...im in skool persuin wat i want...i have a bunch of ppl that support me and believe in me.....i guess im not as lonely as i thought......man it feels good to vent when its about good stuff..the onlii problem is my poetry was filtered from all the problems ive been goin through now i gotta find another source of inspiration

omg i need the sims (2) my friend has my copy and im tryin to download the torrent it wont work sum1 help im in desperate i need the sims(2) to liveeee

ughh life sucks once more....enuff said

this is my first positive blog...yay!!=] since the last one ive transformed my life. ive really sat down and realized that the lil things im stressin about arent worth stressing over. ive gotten rid of ppl whose caused the most stress [[e.g. "friends"]] and basically started over. i realized bein alive and still havin a future is worth smilin for. realizin my true ambitions and what goals i want to accomplish.i didnt get in to this school i was really hoping for and im ok with it.im not gonna beat myself up for it. imma go sumwhere else so next semester theyll want me.and back to the "friends" ive narrowed them down to five. ive kicked out the ppl pretendin to be my friend actually best friend..when every week they rite a new blog about me about sumthin i didnt even do..so i just left them alone.i cut off ppl that i realized werent worth my time.im just focusin on me.my 19th bday is comin up and im just tryin to have a good birthday.one thats memorable and one that ill actually wanna talk about. for sum reason this one is more important to me than all the others..i mean 19 isnt a big deal but to me its like my new life bday.19 i become a whole new person.lol.i got a new change of mind.new attitude.and great friends.who over the years ive realized i can count them no matter what.call them 3 am and theyll pick up[[if not knocked out already]] and talk to me.my life still isnt perfect i mean no one is. but im content with it.its suitable and im able to deal with it.rite now all im lookin forward to is skool.ive fucked up enuff in the past and now i gotta get my act rite.

i officially believe my life is absolutely pointless. i live day by day hoping that something good will come out of it and i have yet to see any improvement. ive been trying to make it better to. i began reading this book called Battlefield Of The Mind. it seems to only give me temporary relief from my problems. once i look in the mirror and realize that my body looks like its be eaten alive by a disease thats when all my hope goes out the window. im hoping w.e this skin ailment is will go away on its own cuz i dont have ne money to pay for anything if something is wrong. im tired of feeling like i have no future and that my life has no meaning. my family doesnt really encourage me to be all i can be. all i get is doubt from them which doesnt motivate me much. i already feel as though theyve prepared themselves for my failure. i feel so effin alone right now that it isnt even funny. i feel like im not wanted anywhere i go. i constantly feel out of place and like a burden. like im really questioning my purpose for being here. i dont feel loved at all. i feel as though people just tolerate me. i dont even know what to do with myself. and it sucks cuz im always trying so hard to please others that when it comes down to me im at a loss. i mean lately all ive been doing is drowning myself in music. so that things dont affect me as strongly. but now it doesnt even help. i end up waking up in the at like 2 or 3 crying. hating myself for the person that i am and wishing that one way or another i cud just be put out of this misery. my mind is at constant war with itself. emotions vs common sense. im starting to believe that common sense is losing. i just wish my mind would be at ease or that i could get some form of sign letting me know things will be ok and to have hope for the future. cuz its killing me on the inside to know that day by day i have to lead such a sad life. i know theres someone worst off than me but right now i feel horrible. i hate my life and the things that have happened to me. i hate the person ive become over the years. i hate the fact that i left my past situations control me to this day. it sickens me to know that as much as i try i cant do anything about. fuck growing from it and learning. this stuff is making me ill. its causing stress onto my life that i honestly do not need. its making me a miserable person and its making me feel weak and pathetic. i wish i could get pass this mental block but the only way to do it is forget and i cant forget something thats molded me so much. everything in my life seems to be a lie. everything ive been told. everything ive done. none of it was genuinely me. its been the person ive pretended to be. a happy person. that seems to have things under control. my life is in shards. broken pieces tryin to put themselves together again. its just that nothing seems to fit. idk i think im done blogging for the nite i dont want to continue to spill my guts to internet.

ill punch u in the eye...hows that for a happy post

i been thinking alot lately about my life and ive finally come to the conclusion in order to heal myself i just need to get away or atleast seclude myself for awhile so ive decided to go on hiatus for a couple of weeks and hope for the best

Everything always seems so foggy even on the brightest of days. I walk through the mist hoping for a clear view of something in horizon but nothing appears. The fog seems to get thicker and heavier. I start to sweat walking faster, looking harder. Nothing. The fog seems to choke me. My breathes become shallow and now I begin to panic and start running to nowhere hoping for an exit. Soon everything feels hopeless and I seem to be getting now where. I stop in what I call the middle of it all and think. I realize trying to run away from all this will only make things worst. I'll just get hotter,tired and still lost. I just gotta wait til this fog passes and hope for the sun.-------The story of my life&&I'm still stuck in the fog.

yeah i think it affects u alot i realized that people wthout siblings tend to be more selfish and full of themselves but they do have a natural independent attitude i have  2 brothers and sisters and it im more humbled i guess and i realize things arent always about me. idk u can tell when people have siblings and when they dont theres a big attitude difference between them.like vew points on certain things are completely different